I was talking with someone the other day who was saying that it was amazing that I had made this big shift in my life. I acknowledge that quitting my job for an uncertain position in another country does seem bold and daring. At the same time, after doing it, taking this leap just feels like something I did. It’s interesting to note this shift, as I can still remember being gripped with fear after making the decision to do it. I can still remember the sleepless nights, the tears, the panicked phone calls to friends and family.
And now I’m in a different place.
It’s a good lesson to remember as I take risks in the future. The fear is malleable. What starts as terrifying might become just another piece to the fabric of a life, neither horrific, nor amazing. It gradually just becomes.
I’ve been back in New York for a month now, and I continue to lay low, feeling a bit like I’m hibernating. I can’t help but wonder if part of it is letting my soul recover after working in the intense emotions that lived around me every day at the hospital. I find myself feeling a bit more able to feel calm these days. I feel less need to hide from conversations. I feel more balanced in my day to day.
And I continue to live in this uncertain world. I continue to be unsure what the next chapters are. I wonder what I’m supposed to be. Then I wonder if that lines up with what I want to be. And I try to remember that no matter what I choose, I can walk through the fear of the unknown to a different place.
A good friend who has traveled the world with me emailed me this morning. She commented that seeing where I am now reminds me of the person she sees when we’re exploring the world. She commented that its the best version of me that she’s been privy to. How beautiful if I can hold on to that part of myself, letting it grow, embodying it. Redefining strength. Catching glimmers of that bravery that people have seen exist in me for years, and letting those glimmers shine more brightly.