It’s been about two weeks since I returned to New York. In many ways, it feels the same as when I left. I’ve been able to reconnect with friends; I’ve seen family; I’ve biked the familiar streets; I’ve gone to the weekly farmer’s market (it seems some of my patterns and loves run true no matter what country I’m in).
People have asked again and again how it feels, if I’m settling in, if I’ve figured out what’s next in my life. The answers to many of those things seem to be a bit of a question mark at the moment.
I haven’t figured out what kind of work I’ll be doing, though some ideas are swirling around me. Interestingly, I’m finding people who haven’t been a part of my life for years are resurfacing and once again becoming regulars in my world. There is a familiarity and comfort that exists in those connections, though as a friend reminded me yesterday, you can’t step in the same river twice. The water is always moving, shifting things about. So while in some ways, this time in my life feels very much like I’m stepping into the same river, shifts and movements have happened. That holds true of the world around me and the world within me. I can’t pretend that I am still the same person I have always been.
At dinner last night with a former co-worker, she talked about life at the hospital, and then commented, “don’t miss it.” To which I responded, “I don’t.” That doesn’t take away from all of the gifts that the hospital gave me, but it does speak to a shift in me. For so long I have held onto that part of my identity that sat with families as their children navigated difficult medical diagnosis and conditions. Now I don’t do that anymore. I don’t know if I will again.
Put your foot in the water. Notice the texture of the stones beneath your feet.
In another conversation, a friend was asking if I thought my career path was in music therapy now. While I don’t see myself letting go of that completely, I don’t feel it in the same central way that I used to. I imagine a career that is broader than what I used to define it to be.
Feel the water flow around your ankles. Notice the groves that let you place your feet in the path you once knew. Notice where those groves no longer remain.
I spoke to a friend about how how reminders of past players in my life keep popping into my world right now. She commented that the reminders are not about the person, rather they are pointing me to what my experience was with these people. She pointed to the theme that it seemed my heart was ready for another opening.
Step forward. Move through. Observe. Notice. Discover. Explore.
I continue to be in a world of uncertainty. That said, I don’t feel uncomfortable in that uncertainty right now. I’m sure at some point that will shift, but for now, I’m letting it be. Who knows what awaits, just around the river bend.